Olivia’s Blog

…Even more than we previously thought.

“New research by University of Iowa management experts demonstrated just how easily decision  makers are swayed during the selection process. The researchers analyzed interaction dynamics during job interviews to see which factors had the greatest influence on the hiring decision. To their surprise, they found that a job applicant’s handshake made a world of difference.

A firm handshake, in fact was more important than agreeableness, conscientiousness or emotional  stability. The recipe for a good handshakem the reachers found, is simple: a sturdy grip, solid eye contact and a hearty vertical hand movement….The interviewers didn’t consciously realize they were making an important decision  based on a handshake: irrelevant factors simply creep into our judgment of others”

Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman in “Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior”

First — why would you want to?

Business guru Alan Weiss gives a dramatic example: if you were told the number of deaths caused by smoking every year, would you remember that exact figure three months from now? Probably not. But what if you were told that this figure was equal to three fully loaded Boeing 747 planes crashing into the earth every day for a year, with no survivors? Quite a bit more memorable, eh?

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The brain’s language is images, pictures, stories– the more dramatic, the more memorable. One of my coaching clients was an executive in a Big Four firm, who needed to impress upon his team the importance of telling their clients about a new regulation which could gravely impact their business.

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Rather than telling his team “you really need to tell our clients about FASB 151″, we phrased it as “not telling your client about FASB 151 would be like letting them walk into a lion’s den, armed with nothing but a toothpick–and blindfolded.”

… It’s how smart you make them feel.

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Remember the Pavlovian reflex? People will associate to you whatever feelings you evoke in them on a consistent basis. And people like feeling good about themselves– so if you make them feel they’re brilliant, they’ll very much want to be around you.

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Don’t try to impress them– let them impress you, and they will love you for it.

Master pianist Arthur Rubenstein once said “The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes—ah, that is where the art resides.”

So true, so true! Knowing how and when to pause is also an art in conversation: when someone has spoken, see if you can pause before you answer. Let your body speak instead: first, absorb, showing that you’re giving their answer the consideration it deserves; and let your facial expression react. Only then can you answer.

In essence, the sequence is: wait-absorb-react-answer. This should take you at least 2 seconds! If you answer in less time, there’s a risk you’ll be answering too quickly, giving other people the impression you’ve not really listened to what they were saying .

And, of course, never, ever interrupt– even if the impulse to do so comes from laudable excitement about something they’ve just said. All right, but what if they do? Well, let them– even if they’re wrong to do so; they still feel that what they have to say is just so much more important–and that’s a battle which simply isn’t worth the fight! In fact, make sure you keep your sentences short, leaving frequent pauses so they can jump in.

Think again. You see, we don’t really perceive reality.

Here’s what I mean : right now, look around the room and notice everything that’s blue. Go ahead. Got it?

Now, keep your eyes glued to this screen. That’s right, glued.

Without lifting your eyes– you can even close them– quick, think of everything in this room that is red.

Ha. Not so easy? Focused on the blue, were we?

Now look around. See a lot more red, all of a sudden?

Of the countless of pieces of visual information our eyes take in every moment, we only perceive a very few–in essence, those we were looking for.  Think of that in your day-to-day interactions: if we can miss something as obivous as color, how many subtle body language cues could be passing us by in converstaion, because we’re looking for something else?

… So what if, being the brilliant conversationalist that you are, you aim to focus the conversation on them– but, being the fascinating person you are, what if they constantly ask you questions about you? In that case, use the “bounce back” technique: Answer the question with a fact, add some personal coloring, and redirect the question to them. So they’ve had their answer, they have an emotional hook, and the spotlight is back on then.

For instance:

“So where are you moving to?”

“To Chelsea—we fell in love with the parks and the bakeries. What do you think of the neighborhood?”

Remember, it’s all about the person you’re talking to, his or her life and his or her needs. Make them feel that there’s no-one else in the room; and that they are the most fascinating person you have ever met.

Whether or not you’ve managed to contact your targeted individuals beforehand, if they’re speakers, you’ll want to make contact during their program. The best time to approach them is just before their program begins. Every speaker, no matter how seasoned, gets a bit nervous before going up on stage and will be grateful for your warm welcome.

So go ahead and introduce yourself, welcome the speaker, and let him know precisely why you chose his session. Presenters are often eager for information about their audience.

When you find your seat, greet the people who will be sitting next to you as soon as you see them. It’s the easiest time to initiate contact since people actually expect a hello. From then on, the best time to start chatting is during breaks. If you’re going to get coffee, you could ask if your seatmates want some too, or you might ask them to watch over your belongings while you go get it. This simple request creates instant bonding on a visceral level, because you’re trusting them with your possessions. When you return, it’s easy to thank them and start the conversation.

During the program, find a good question to ask. You’ll be noticed and remembered because you have been seen. Remember to introduce yourself. Doing so will make it easier for people to come up to you after the session and start a conversation.

When the session is over, wait until everyone else has left the room—the speaker will generally be the last one left. You can then thank him for his speech and let him know precisely what you found most interesting. This information is worth its weight in gold for speakers, and they will be eager to hear more.

Remember, you can be networking at any time during the event: during registration, coffee breaks, or meals. Fantastic contacts can be made everywhere—women are known for making lifelong friends in the ladies’ room. Remember that conferences really aren’t about the sessions– they’re about the people you meet at the coffee breaks! I’ve once attended a three-day conference, without attending a single session. The contacts were invaluable.

Let’s say you’re going to a conference. How can you make sure that you’re making the most of your time there?Here’s a sequence which should help you plan things out.

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A month before the event:
•    Determine your goals and objectives.
o    Research speakers and attendees.
o    Identify those you would like to meet, and why.
o    Set out an agenda for the meeting.
o    Prepare a synopsis for individuals selected, including biographies, pictures, and any personal information you can find.
o    Define what you can do for them—be it in the conference (instant introductions to others they might want to know) or outside.

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A week or two before the event:
o    Start reaching out to your target individuals. If they’re major players, work around them. Offer several meeting options, from a quick cup of coffee to taking them out to dinner, to discuss a subject you know is close to their heart. If the topic is titillating enough, they will accept. Even if the meeting can’t work, they will remember you and your invitation. For second-tier individuals, consider setting up a group event (a group dinner, for example).
o    Research the tribal wear and language and the latest news in the community—you’re gathering conversation fuel.

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…to be continued…

Looking for your next great beach read? Here’s Predictably Irrational, which in Hollywood I’d have pitched as “Influence meets Freakonomics” (but without the Bruce Willis part).

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Why and when do the most honest of us, steal and cheat on a regular basis? Why do we splurge on a lavish meal we’ll forget within days, but scrimp to save $20 on something we’ll use for a year? Why does the word “free” induce such a feeding frenzy?
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MIT-based Dan Ariely does a great job of simplifying and pop-culturing some of the same forces of influence that Cialdini covered in his groundbreaking treatise. Blended with economics, this particular point of view looks at market forces, irrational decisions, and the illusion of free will (amongst many, many other things). Though I did feel it suffered from occasional oversimplification, particularly where Cialdini does a much better job of describing an influence principle, nonetheless– this remains a highly enjoyable read.

The New York Times published a full review, and you’ll find it on Amazon.
Thanks to Howard Kaplan for recommending it.

How can you become instantly trustworthy? It’s actually quite simple: show people that you have their best interest at heart. Have you noticed how warm-and-fuzzy you feel when you see someone putting your well-being before theirs? Just like gratitude, this is as effective as it is simple– but just like gratitude, in order to work, it must be sincere (see earlier posts on our lie-detecting abilities.)
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As usual, rather than trying to tweak the thousand-and-a-half body language signs, it’s best to go straight for their source: your mindset. The good news
is that we have a natural gift for empathy. Since the individuals who were most apt in forming solid alliances with others tended to survive (and thrive, and multiply), a natural ability for affection and empathy became a predominant feature in our species.
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One of the easiest, and most powerful ways to set this tendency in motion is to simply identify with the person, that is, “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Don’t just think about it—feel it. If only for a few instants, try to imagine what it would be like to be this person, even if you disagree with their actions.

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Of course you wouldn’t have done whatever that idiot did – you would have never forged that signature, set up that offshore account, worn that orange tie. You know better, you’ve learned better, or have been taught better. But what if you’d been born in this person’s circumstances, suffered from whatever incidents they’ve suffered, been surrounded with the entourage they’ve had? Think of Bradford’s revelation—“There, but for the grace of God, go I.”