Olivia’s Blog

Looking for your next great beach read? Here’s Predictably Irrational, which in Hollywood I’d have pitched as “Influence meets Freakonomics” (but without the Bruce Willis part).

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Why and when do the most honest of us, steal and cheat on a regular basis? Why do we splurge on a lavish meal we’ll forget within days, but scrimp to save $20 on something we’ll use for a year? Why does the word “free” induce such a feeding frenzy?
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MIT-based Dan Ariely does a great job of simplifying and pop-culturing some of the same forces of influence that Cialdini covered in his groundbreaking treatise. Blended with economics, this particular point of view looks at market forces, irrational decisions, and the illusion of free will (amongst many, many other things). Though I did feel it suffered from occasional oversimplification, particularly where Cialdini does a much better job of describing an influence principle, nonetheless– this remains a highly enjoyable read.

The New York Times published a full review, and you’ll find it on Amazon.
Thanks to Howard Kaplan for recommending it.

How can you become instantly trustworthy? It’s actually quite simple: show people that you have their best interest at heart. Have you noticed how warm-and-fuzzy you feel when you see someone putting your well-being before theirs? Just like gratitude, this is as effective as it is simple– but just like gratitude, in order to work, it must be sincere (see earlier posts on our lie-detecting abilities.)
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As usual, rather than trying to tweak the thousand-and-a-half body language signs, it’s best to go straight for their source: your mindset. The good news
is that we have a natural gift for empathy. Since the individuals who were most apt in forming solid alliances with others tended to survive (and thrive, and multiply), a natural ability for affection and empathy became a predominant feature in our species.
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One of the easiest, and most powerful ways to set this tendency in motion is to simply identify with the person, that is, “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Don’t just think about it—feel it. If only for a few instants, try to imagine what it would be like to be this person, even if you disagree with their actions.

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Of course you wouldn’t have done whatever that idiot did – you would have never forged that signature, set up that offshore account, worn that orange tie. You know better, you’ve learned better, or have been taught better. But what if you’d been born in this person’s circumstances, suffered from whatever incidents they’ve suffered, been surrounded with the entourage they’ve had? Think of Bradford’s revelation—“There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

For starters, some emotions are difficult to fake. You surely instinctively know, and can feel, the difference between a real smile, which shows genuine pleasure, and a fake one. You know one when you see one, but what is it that’s tipping you off?
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According to Paul Ekman, the leading expert on facial expression, there is a clear, visible difference between a “social” smile and a “true” smile (also called a Duchenne smile): in the former, the smile does not quite reach the eyes, or at least not in the same way. In a true smile, the inner corners of your eyebrows soften, and fall down. The reverse will be true for authentic sadness—true empathy—in which the inner corners of the eyebrows draw up, together.
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Indeed, regardless of how well gifted actors and natural-born liars are able to control their facial expressions, they can only control so much: even when we control the main emotion showing on our face, the real emotion we’re feeling will often show up, albeit for a split second. These split-second “mini-expressions” are what other people pick up without even realizing it. It’s usually not enough for them to consciously realize what they’ve seen, but on a subconscious level, they know something’s off.
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Hence, the obvious conclusion: no matter how many shortcuts you use, sincerity still matters.

These days, a good measure of cynicism seems to be de rigueur for any intelligent citizen. Understandably enough—after all, we’re now able to chemically manufacture the hormone which creates trust (Oxytocin), we know which hormone is responsible for love at first sight (Phenyl Ethylamine), and Britney has found religion.
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Now, as you may have noticed, my articles and seminars are chock-filled with tools, tips and techniques to improve your interpersonal skills—including such topics as how to get anyone to like you, trust you, and think you’re the best thing since sliced toast. So of all people, how could I be the one writing about the importance of sincerity? Indeed, many of my clients, upon mastering a new technique, say something to the effect of: “Great! A shortcut! From now on, I can dupe people into thinking I care about them without actually liking them in the least, right?
Wrong.

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Oh, maybe it’ll work sometimes—perhaps when the people you’re trying to fool are too pressed for time, when they’re tired, sick or desperate for approval—in other words, when their radar is off. But the vast majority of the time, if you don’t really care, people will intuitively know- they can feel it. Why? Because human beings evolved to become excellent lie detectors. Think about it: our human society (and most mammals, for that matter) is based largely on cooperation: you do something for me, I’ll do something for you. Obviously, this system works when everyone does what they’re supposed to. It would not work if everyone refused to cooperate.
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But what about a system in which sometimes, some people cheat? The cheater is better off for having cheated—he got something for nothing—but the cheated can’t buck the whole system just because he got stiffed once, or he’d become an outcast. So cheaters can get away with it. But do the cheated blindly go on cooperating? Of course not. It’s in his or her best interest to learn how to detect cheaters, so as to not to be cheated again. Those of our ancestors who survived, thrived and multiplied, were those who were either cheaters, or non-cheaters who learned to spot insincerity and protect themselves. Hence, our natural evolution—towards better and better lie detectors.
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How do our instinctive truthsayers operate?

Stay tuned…

When my clients ask me what technique would give them an instant shot of confidence, I tell them there’s one sure-fire way: gratitude.

Huh?

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Yes, Oprah is onto something. Think about it: what’s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, desperation. Not a very attractive picture, is it? We all know few things will ruin an applicant’s chances more than giving off a vibe of desperation, be it in a job interview or in a bar. The same goes for resentment. And gratitude is a great antidote to both–it’s quite impossible to feel simultaneously feel grateful and resentful.

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Taking but a few seconds to think of the five things you’re most grateful for in life will have an instant, sweeping change over your body language: your face will soften, your eyes will sparkle, your whole body will relax– and take on an almost palpable aura of confidence. Why? Because gratitude comes from thinking of things you already have– whether you have already experienced them (the life-moments you’re most grateful for) or the relationships are already part of your life, etc.

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Thus, the feeling of security, confidence, warmth-and-fuzzyness which not only feels wonderful, it also is very appealing!

Have you ever noticed how certain people get others falling over themselves to help them? Ever wondered how they did it?
There’s a good chance that they were using, without realizing it, the basic principles of psychology symbolized by Pavlov’s experiment.

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Pavlov conducted an experiment on a group of dogs, ringing a bell every time he brought them food. Pretty soon, the dogs had associated the bell to food to such an extent, that just hearing its sound made them drool.

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Guess what? People work exactly the same way: they’ll associate both positive and negative emotions to sounds, sights, tastes, and so forth. Here’s an example: if, tomorrow, you were to walk out to the corner of your street, and witness a horrible accident there– for the next few days and weeks, what would you think of every time you passed that corner? Exactly– you have associated the memory and the feeling to the place. Are there certain songs that make you feel warm and fuzzy, or nostalgic, or all pumped up? There you go again.
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In the same way, people associate feelings to experiences, and of course to people. Let’s say, for instance, that anytime someone compliments you, you shrug it off from embarrassment, or contradict them (”oh no, I look awful”) out of natural modesty. How do they feel? Not very smart, because you’ve essentially told them they were wrong to compliment you. And who likes feeling stupid? Pretty soon, they’ll stop trying.

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If, on the other hand, you make them feel GOOD for doing so, for instance by thanking them for being so thoughtful, or telling them they “made your day”, they’ll feel all rosy-glow & good about themselves, and of course they’ll want to do it again. And you can extend this to any other behavior you want to encourage (as one New York Times writer discovered, training her husband as she would a dolphin!)

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For any behavior you want to encourage, make them feel good about themselves– make them feel proud, smart, thoughtful, important, that they had an impact on  you “thank you for making my day! / saving my job / life/ shoe!”

What are the eyes?

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If you thought “the window to the soul,” you’re absolutely right. But why? Because the area around the eyes is one of the most mobile of the entire face, it is also the quickest to fluctuate with our emotions and, thus, the most expressive of what you are truly thinking and feeling, every instant. Which is why poker players wear sunglasses– and why Onassis would also  hide his eyes this way during business  negotiations.

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People will instinctively look to your eyes to know whether they can trust you — and if you deny them that eye contact, you deny them the ability to read you, to feel they know what you’re feeling and thus, how safe they can feel around you. If you deny them the safety of reading your eyes, you make it much harder for them to trust you.

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Not only must you give them eye contact– for trusting rapport, it must also be the right kind of eye contact. Imagine a gangster in a movie– the shady, suspicious character. What would his eyes look like? Narrow, tense, suspicious. That’s an untrustworthy eye appearance.

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Now, think of the opposite–the image of innocence, the eyes of a little child. Think of what those would look like– soft, open eyes — there’s a reason it’s called “wide-eyed innocence.”

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So, to create rapport, appear trustworthy, and give people a feeling of comfort and trust around you, relax your eyes. Make sure there’s not a hint of tension in the muscles controlling them. Not only will it give you the right expression, it’ll also give you the right  feeling: Les Fehmi, a neuroscientist specializing in this matter, found that when our eyes are in “sharp focus”, our stress responses increase. As soon as we relax our eyes, the rest of our body follows.

… You’re asked: “Does this outfit make me look fat / old/ unprofessional….” (please check all that apply) and the answer, unfortunately, is yes!
- You look great, but that outfit doesn’t do you justice

or- I liked the other dress on you even better

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…You forget someone’s name, and you need to use it:

- I’m so sorry– this is one of those days, I’ve even forgotten my own name

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… Well, actually, that’s the message YOU should be giving THEM. In your mind, it should be all about them– because in essence, charisma is all about how you make people feel about themselves.
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One good example comes from the field of marketing, where Randy Gage advised at the NSA Convention: Take a look at your marketing materials. Using two different color highlighters, use one color for things relating to yourself, another relating to your client– what suggests benefits to them, the reader. If the second color doesn’t predominate, you have a problem.
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The same could be said of your emails. Read your past messages– how often does the word “I” appear, as opposed to the word “you?” Change your wording! Instead of saying “The O’Dwyer newsletter has some great tips on that subject,” say “You might find great tips on the subject in the O’Dwyer newsletter.” Or you can simply insert, “You know…,” before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.
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Does the email speak of you, and your interest first? Theirs only second? Flip it around! Just cut, copy and paste so whatever pertains to them shows up instantly. In your conversations, your marketing materials, your body language, your everything, remember– it’s all about them.

Of course, you can consciously control a certain amount of your body language. But first, that takes effort; and second, it’s only a fraction of the 10,000+ signals you put out in each and every conversation. After all, your body is a 24/7 broadcasting network. Trying to control each and every one of these simultaneously, to achieve true coherence, would be absolutely mind-boggling!
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This may be why some great actors admit to being utterly exhausted, utterly spent, after a great performance. And if you don’t achieve complete coherence, you end up sending “mixed signals”–which people interpret as “there’s something wrong with his message”.
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Instead, go straight to the source of your non-verbal communication: the subconscious mind. If you can convince your mind that you really are feeling the emotion you want to broadcast, then your entire body language will fall into step. Hence, why other great actors “get into character”, aiming to “be” their character in order to achieve coherence (you may have heard of this as “method” acting). So how does one achieve this magic? Remember, the subconscious mind does not distinguish between imagination and reality.
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Have you ever felt your heart pounding and your blood curdling during a scary movie? Consciously, you know it’s just a movie.  The actors you’re seeing on screen are probably delighted to look like they’re having their heads chopped off in exchange for a couple million dollars. Yet your brain sees blood and guts on the screen, so it sends you straight into fight-or-flight mode, complete with adrenaline rushing through your system.
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Targeted imagination can also be called visualization. In sports, visualization has been considered an essential tool for decades. Professional athletes will spend hours visualizing their victory, telling their mind just what they want their body to achieve. Golfer Jack Nicklaus said that he never hit a shot, even during practice, without visualizing it first.
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So how does it work? Relax, and close your eyes—you’ll need your full powers of concentration. Now focus, and make it real. To make your imagery most effective, involve all five senses. Guided imagery must be precise, vivid, and detailed to be effective, says Harvard-trained specialist Stephen Krauss. When visualization was used with the 1976 Olympic ski team, precision and detail were crucial to the process. Skiers visualized themselves careening through the entire course, experiencing each bump and turn in their minds.
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If you want to broadcast a warm-and-friendly body language, imagine you’re meeting a loved one. Hear the laughter you shared together, taste the hot toddies you drank, smell the wood fire burning, feel the snowballs you threw at each other. Above all, experience all the warm emotions and sensations rising. Your brain will accept it as real; your body language will broadcast the warmth, and they will melt!